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341 Days ’til 40: Rough Relationships – Fight or Flee?

17 Mar


If you are human and if you are an adult than at some point in your life you have probably experienced a rough relationship or a rough spell within a relationship. I am sure you are one of many people to ask yourself whether you should fight to save your relationship or flee. This is an important question to ask yourself.  This is a hard question to ask yourself

It is important to note that no relationship is perfect.  Relationships cannot be perfect because people are not perfect.  If a relationship has people in it, there are going to be issues – at least occasionally.  Therefore, the question to fight or flee cannot be dependent on the presence or absence of issues, but rather, the nature of the issues that are present.

First it is important to define the issues.  What is going on?  What are the rough realities?

  • Infidelity? (aka: cheating)
  • Dishonesty and Lies?
  • Financial Issues?
  • Employment Issues?
  • Parenting/ Child Rearing Issues?
  • Incompatibility?
  • Lack of love/ support?
  • Lack of physical attraction?
  • Abusive behaviors?

It is important to note that the issues listed above could manifest as mild or severe, which may greatly change the situation you are in.

Before I go into the issues in more depth, please note – if you are in a very unhealthy relationship that you and/ or your partner has decided is not worth making the effort to save do NOT stay together because you have children.  The only thing worse than children growing up with divorced parents is children growing up believing that it is normal for the home to be a combat zone.  Your children WILL learn from your patterns and the way in which you model relationships.  If you love your children enough that you want them to grow up and have a loving relationship, then that is what you must model.  Staying in an unhealthy relationship teaches children that relationships are supposed to be dysfunctional.  It is better to model taking care of yourself, as this will be an important lesson for your children.  Do you want your children to grow up and be in an abusive or volatile relationship?  If you do not, then make sure they are not growing up witnessing one.

Did your spouse/ partner lie to you or cheat on you?  These tend to be issues that tend to gravely damage relationships as they are a violation of trust.  Trust is at the foundation of a healthy, stable relationship.  If your ability to trust has been violated, you need to ask yourself if you believe the trust can be rebuilt.  If there is no way the trust can be rebuilt, you need to strongly consider whether the relationship is what you want long-term. Can you live with not trusting your spouse?  Do you believe you would be able to build trust with someone else if you left your partner?

Perhaps you are fighting over employment or financial issues.  Are you upset with your partner for not holding a stable job?  Are they capable of holding a job?  If they are capable, why is it not working?  Do they need a psychological evaluation?  Do they suffer from ADD or AD/HD?  (This is a condition that can often be diagnosed later in life when an individual cannot seem to maintain appropriate employee behaviors.)  Are they willing to work harder or get help in order to find steady employment?  Does your spouse spend too much?  Are they driving you to financial ruin?  Is your spouse willing to see a financial advisor and stick to mutually agreed upon spending and savings plans?  How bad is your financial situation?  Is it worth losing your relationship over or can it be resolved?

You now claim that you have grown older and your spouse has aged and gained weight and you are just not attracted to them anymore.  Is this a good enough reason to leave a relationship?  I would usually argue that this is NOT an okay reason to leave a relationship.  We will all change over time and we are all going to have bodies that change and are no longer radiating the beauty that we did when we were younger.  Love should not be that fickle.  Love should see past our bodies and our aging, and look at the content of the character of the person we fell in love with.  If you leave someone because they aged and your hormones calmed down, I would argue that you are doomed to have a series of relationships that will fail for the same reason.  The only thing I would worry about is if your spouse is truly not taking care of themselves (i.e.:  they have become an alcoholic, smell like alcohol all day, refuse to get help and are unhealthy) – If this is the case, they need to either make healthy changes, or expect that you will leave in order to allow yourself healthy choices.

Are you sensing a lack of love or support from your partner?  Is this something you can speak about and work out?  Can you seek counseling?  Is is that they really do not love or support you, or do you need to work harder to spend more time together?  Perhaps you are so caught up in your daily lives that time slips away.  Is the lack of feeling support intentional or just the symptom of two people with busy lives.  It is important to further define these issues as they could be more easily resolved than you think.

Is your spouse abusive?  If they are, I would caution you to be very very apprehensive about promises to change behavior.  When someone is abusive, promises are NOT enough, you need to see PROOF of changed behavior.  When abuse is in the picture it may be wise for the person being abused to leave the home, at least temporarily, until the abusive behavior has ceased.  NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED – EVER – NOT EVER.  If you are in an abusive relationship (verbally, physically, or sexually)  leave – LEAVE FAST.  You may not have to leave permanently, if your spouse can prove they have received help and changed.  Make your spouse prove for at least six months that there have been changes BEFORE you even begin seeing them again in a casual way.  Wait out at least a year of changed behavior before you move back in.  Too many abused individuals do not wait for proof of change and when they return the abuse escalates – in the tragic instances the abuse goes too far and lives are lost.  DO NOT STAY in an abusive relationship if you have children – children should not grow up believing that abuse is the norm.  None of us want our children in bad relationships, so do not model for them that it is okay to be abused.

When relationships work they are amazing, when they do not they can be horrid.  I truly believe that it is better to be single forever than to be in a bad relationship.  I actually think this is a healthy belief that tends to allow people to attract healthier relationships.  If you understand that single is better than a bad relationship, perhaps you will not worry so much about being single.  If you are okay with being single, you will feel less pressure to be in a relationship, which means you can wait for a wonderful, healthy, stable person.  When you do find a good relationship, work hard to nurture it, to manage conflict and to grow together.  The good relationships are not those without conflict, but those with two individuals committed to working through issues as they arise.

Today, 341 days ’til 40, I will not take my relationships for granted.  I feel blessed to have a loving family and I know it takes all of our effort to maintain our healthy relationships.  As I have been in bad relationships in the past, I know how blessed I am to have a loving relationship.  I will continually remind myself how lucky I am and show that appreciation to my spouse.  Love and support is a gift.

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97 responses to “341 Days ’til 40: Rough Relationships – Fight or Flee?

  1. terry1954

    March 17, 2012 at 01:47

    you are very lucky to have a great relationship. when i was considering divorce, i got all kinds of advice from both sides of family and friends, but in the end, i had to listen to me
    nice story

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 14:51

      Hi Terry,
      I agree. You do have to ultimately listen to yourself and what is right for you. You should know, though, that many people do go through bad relationships to get to good ones – this is my second marriage – and what a difference it made as I really looked for a good match the second time around (as opposed to being pressured to hurry up and get married and have kids cause that is what society says you should do – which was what I did the first time around).

       
      • terry1954

        March 17, 2012 at 14:55

        we all make different decisions as we mature

         
  2. amenda67

    March 17, 2012 at 04:00

    Very well written and excellent advice. Your entire post hit every spot with me. I stayed together in my marriage for to long. We were together for 20 years and my home became a combat zone for many of those years. I didn’t want to listen to anyone that I was an abused wife. I truly believed if I kept my faith in him and in my marriage vows he would change but he didn’t, instead emotional, physical, mental and even sexual abuse escalated. He would always make me and everyone around say it was my fault and never took fault for himself. He still does to this day. We’ve been separated now for over a year and my life has never been better. I finally found my peace of mind by keeping my faith but instead of keeping my faith in a man I found my faith back in God. I stayed for many years because of our 3 children. I never thought a broken marriage was better for the kids then to stay together and weather out the storms but you are so right. It’s better for the kids to see healthy parents striving for their goals then a house of horrors. I spent the last year trying to forgive much of what he did for 20 years to me. I do take blame for my part since after 15 years I started into marijuana abuse and then into alcohol to kill and numb the pain. All it did was make things worse as time went on. I’ve been clean and sober for a year and my kids see how healthy my lifestyle is and how happy I am doing on my own. My ex and I tried to be friends but I realized recently when he continued to try and smooze me all the while he’s living now with another woman and then sent something that reminded me of the toxic times we had set me off and made me realize I can’t be friends with someone who will still not take responsibility for his actions. He never spoke all this smoozing with me for 20 years so why now? I know he’s trying what he would do whenever I was close to leaving many times in 20 years, he would make me believe he cared and was somewhat sorry just to reel me in then wham, the cycle started again. So now I decided to keep my relationship with him to just if must need about the kids and my kids are teens and an adult so not needing to much communication between us. He still can’t see his wrongdoings and this is why I can never look back and be ‘friends’. I do pray for him and wish him well I just know I can’t be a part of his life or I’ll never move forward. As long as my kids are happy and well adjusted that is all that is really important to me.

    Thank you for visiting my blog and thank you for this wonderful post you wrote

     
    • Divorce Recovery Solutions

      March 17, 2012 at 10:10

      Thank you for writing this empowering reply. I know that darkness also of the kind of marriage you had. With your permission, this is a letter I would like to refer to on my own blog, I feel it would give hope to many women in similar situations. Tovah

       
      • amenda67

        March 17, 2012 at 15:33

        Thank you and yes, absolutely. If my experience helps even one person then I’ve done my call to duty … Peace be with you and the mercy of God :)

         
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 14:56

      Hi Amenda, I agree with Tovah, you wrote an amazing reply and I thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. Your honestly will help other readers. It is not easy to distance yourself from toxic people, particularly when you share children with them. You should be so proud of yourself for taking all of the right steps to become healthy and set that example for your children. I also have a toxic ex – I have found, thankfully, that the pull does lessen with time. I have also found that forgiveness is a process that does not happen overnight or because I willed it to happen – the saying “time heals all wounds” comes to mind, because for me it took time to make the pain go away, for me to stop feeling so hooked. As time passed, I developed new friendships and new paths for my life, as did my ex – as we both did this independently, there were less issues between us. It was healthy for us both. I also had to remind myself that holding on to the anger and hurt ultimately meant I was letting my ex live in my head – which meant my ex won – I did not want my ex in my head…… I wanted to move on away from my ex!!!!
      I wish you the best in your powerful journey – keep up the amazing work! Please stop by and let me know how you are doing.
      ~400daystil40

       
      • amenda67

        March 17, 2012 at 15:43

        Thank you and it was from the mercy of God I was removed from that situation and placed in a high security woman’s shelter for 5 months. I wouldn’t admit to anyone who told me I was being abused. I would tell them no I wasn’t. I believe as my journey continued throughout the year it was God’s mercy by having the police and ambulance come to my house and literally remove me to the hospital and them telling me I was never allowed back and then after a few days in the hospital moved to the shelter. The first couple of weeks in the shelter were difficult I didn’t understand why I was taken because I was afraid to admit to myself I had been abused and instead of ever calling the police on him I made excuses for his behaviour. I’m not the type to complain, only tried to wake him up to his behaviour but that alone would cause war. He didn’t want to hear the truth about himself and still doesn’t. He was told by child services to get counselling for his behaviour but he refuses. He still believes he’s never done anything wrong and continues to this day to blame me for everything. He cons people and I’ve seen it for 21 years. Everyday I get stronger knowing as you say, Time heals all wounds. I just need to understand and see the torment he caused so I don’t slip into that same cycle with someone else. I’ve been alone for over a year and although at times feel very lonely for companionship certainly don’t want just anyone to walk into my life. To many out there who would see my vulnerability and take advantage something my ex did all the time. I’m back doing a refresher on my English studies and hope to write one day and inspire others who have suffered depression or an abusive relationship, faith in God and seeing the light is the only way to strengthen our inner spirit that has been torn and spit out. God is the best helper if we just believe. Thank you again, your writing is very powerful and looking forward to read other posts in your blog. Peace :)

         
  3. maggiemyklebust

    March 17, 2012 at 08:58

    Hear,hear!

     
  4. Divorce Recovery Solutions

    March 17, 2012 at 10:01

    Fantastic post …..great advice for anyone in any of those situations. Tovah

     
  5. matthewjacksonblog

    March 17, 2012 at 10:38

    I’m happy I stumbled upon this blog post, my friend. It was fantastic.

     
  6. James Fudge

    March 17, 2012 at 11:15

    You can’t will things the way you want them to be and you can’t fix broken people that don’t want to be fixed. You try as much as you can and when that doesn’t work you cut your losses. I guess i’ve been lucky that I found someone who will put up with my antics ;)

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 15:00

      Hi James, thanks for your comment – you are so very correct! We absolutely cannot fix people that do not want to be. One thing I caution young people to remember is that when they get married they need to understand they are marrying the person with all of their faults and if they are marrying them in hopes that they will change them, that is treading on dangerous ground. I am also lucky that I found someone who will put up with me!!!! ;)

       
  7. saachi29

    March 17, 2012 at 15:10

    Thank you for sharing this insight. As someone who just got out of an unsupportive relationship and worried about my future emotional relationships, this advice is invaluable. Again thanks!

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 15:19

      You are so very welcome! You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to take care of you – it takes a lot of courage!

       
  8. Gilraen

    March 17, 2012 at 19:35

    It took me quite some time that the problems I was having really weren’t me but my relationship. In my mind I tried everything to make it work until it finally struck me that if there is only one working on the relationship there is not really a relationship to speak of.
    II remember feeling a huge relief when I realised this. It was then that I started to plan my way out.

    And you are so right – a good relationship is amazing to have. The one I have now is magical. Never knew it could feel this good. But both of us are always working on and for us and neither is taken for granted.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 22:07

      Dear Gilraen,
      The realizations you made are such important ones. And you are so correct, once you make a plan to leave an unhealthy relationship it is a big relief – I remember the feeling well. I also agree with you that when it works it becomes magic – and you wonder how you ever managed in bad relationships prior.
      To continued happiness!
      ~400daystil40

       
  9. Capt. Savage

    March 17, 2012 at 21:28

    Reblogged this on Captsavage's Blog and commented:
    A great post about people who find themselves trapped in relationships. I can relate to this on so many levels and agree that the worst decision can be to stay together for the children or some other external reason. I left my wife before our relationship became really abusive, and I still believe that both of us are better off for me acting before things got to there lowest ebb. Living a lie for the sake of other peoples perceptions is not a happy of sustainable way to live.

    Capt. Savage
    (always facing reality and making the hard decisions)

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 22:05

      Thanks, Capt. Savage! I agree with all of the comments you made…. the hard decisions are not always popular – but as the saying goes – what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right. Keep on keeping on!
      ~400daystil40

       
  10. Michelle

    March 17, 2012 at 22:11

    I stopped my relationship with siblings, for good reason. I’m much happier…

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 17, 2012 at 22:14

      It’s sad, but true that many are healthier and happier when they cut or limit ties with their nuclear families. I have found that many people create healthier families by reaching out to friends and support systems who become more meaningful than family ever could be to them. Keep on keeping on~

       
  11. wordsfromanneli

    March 18, 2012 at 01:36

    You’re very wise for your young age. Good advice.

     
  12. The Quiet Borderline

    March 18, 2012 at 10:36

    For me, I am 26 years old and have never had a proper relationship with anyone. I feel like I need to really work on myself and be able to love myself before I can love someone else. I’m basically leaving that special relationship for marriage.

    Thanks for the great post,

    The Quiet Borderline

    http://quietbod.wordpress.com/

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 18, 2012 at 12:00

      You are correct and wise – I wish more people would work on themselves before they get married or start relationships – it would be better for all of us if we gained that insight before reaching out to others.

       
    • 400daystil40

      March 18, 2012 at 12:02

      PS – In case you did not know, you do not need to put your blog address at the end of every post, as when the visitors click your name on your comment it is a hyperlink and they can go right to it :) This is pretty common knowledge in the blogging world :)

       
  13. Taylor Bennett

    March 18, 2012 at 21:06

    This is true. There will always be problems in every relationship, but you have to pick and choose your battles. A good mate is worth fighting for, but I sure won’t risk my happiness remaining in a bad relationship. Thanks for the great post.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 18, 2012 at 22:46

      Thanks, Taylor, for your comment. I definitely agree! It is very important to pick your battles!

       
  14. myfuturebluecat

    March 20, 2012 at 01:46

    Reblogged this on MyFutureBlueCat.

     
  15. Sylver Fox

    March 20, 2012 at 18:06

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. I am recently going through some of the very things you mentioned in your post and it helps to have the perspective of someone you don’t know because by nature family members have clouded judgement.

    Thank you again!

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 20, 2012 at 21:47

      Thank you, Sylver Fox. You are so correct, it is often so refreshing to get insight from individuals who are unbiased…. as well-meaning as family members are, when they are close to you there are always judgements and biases. I hope everything works out for you. Take care of yourself!

       
      • Sylver Fox

        March 21, 2012 at 02:22

        Thank you very much! And you take care of yourself as well!

         
  16. LauraLee

    March 20, 2012 at 21:38

    Great post!

    Of course, I’m biased: it seems we think alike on music (as therapy) AND on relationships!

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 20, 2012 at 22:01

      Thank you, LauraLee! Nice to know there is another person out there who shares similar thoughts and feelings on these subjects! I hope that you will stop by again!!! :)

       
      • LauraLee

        March 20, 2012 at 22:10

        Oh, definitely! I’m following you now.

        I also sent you a message on FB re: a post I’d like to make later this week which includes a link to your post on music as therapy.

         
  17. Toxicity-2-Purity

    March 21, 2012 at 19:27

    I agree. Better to be single than in an abusive relationship. Now, if I could just apply that same concept to my work environment. Thanks for the insight. I now need to review what the rough realities are.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 21, 2012 at 22:14

      Thanks, Toxicity-2-Purity! Yes, it is sometimes harder to apply these principles to our places of employment. That said, if a place of employment is an abusive or toxic environment, then it is probably not a healthy place to stick around. Hang in there! ~400daystil40

       
  18. leilarashid

    March 23, 2012 at 18:01

    Great post! Especially the part about abusive relationships. That is a flee-situation. Fighting doesn not help and may be dangerous for you, staying is not an option.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 24, 2012 at 00:00

      Yes, that is so true. As far as I am concerned, once abuse enters the picture, there is no more negotiation and as you say, staying is definitely NOT an option.

       
  19. danroberson

    March 23, 2012 at 20:58

    If an unhealthy relationship exists, both partners need help. Both need counseling.
    Your post is excellent and contains valuable information. Thanks.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 24, 2012 at 00:28

      Yes, you are absolutely correct! The sad thing is when one partner is willing and the other is not….

       
  20. weggieboy

    March 23, 2012 at 21:14

    “To be or not to be?…” Oddly, all issues come down to either/ or, yes/ no if we shed the nuances we impose on those issues to try to spare ourselves focusing on the main issues in a relationship.

     
  21. Beth, just being me

    March 24, 2012 at 03:30

    sometimes the answer to fight or flee isn’t as simple as it should be – ultimately the truth arrives

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 24, 2012 at 15:50

      Very true…. sometimes it takes quite a while to weed through the understanding of the situation enough to draw conclusions – and sometimes we even need outside assistance to help us try to make these decisions. Thanks for your very important point!

       
  22. Amber

    March 24, 2012 at 19:56

    This is a great post. My only issue is with the idea that you can return to an abuser if they have proved they’ve changed. If you’re in an abusive relationship, and you’ve found the courage and strength to leave, don’t go back. It doesn’t matter how much counseling or how different your ex is – let them build a healthy relationship with SOMEONE ELSE. Once the patterns of abuse have been established in a relationship, it’s almost impossible to reset them. I don’t know that it’s possible to build a healthy relationship out of the ashes of an abusive one, and even if it is – is it really worth the risk? You might be able to create a friendship with a deeply changed ex-abuser – but don’t try for more than that.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 24, 2012 at 23:30

      Hi Amber, Thanks for your comment and I must say that I personally would agree with you – in my own life I could never see re-establishing a relationship with an abuser. That said, not everyone feels the same way, which is why I felt it so important to emphasize there must be a decent amount of abuse-free time before returning to be with an abuser… too often people return after weeks, or even a month or so, which is far too little time to see if substantial change has been made…. the patterns can be so hard to break. My hope is that, for those who do not feel they can move on, they will at least set strong enough boundaries to refuse to re-enter the relationship until they have clear proof that the abusive patterns no longer exist. I wish all individuals had the strength, self-esteem, etc. to truly be able to forever walk away from those who thrust abuse on them…….

       
  23. pendorphin

    March 24, 2012 at 22:32

    More people need to understand what you’ve written about. Thank you for putting this out there. :)

     
  24. The World Is My Cuttlefish

    March 25, 2012 at 11:03

    I agree whole-heartedly with your points. It is an empowering message for people who are wondering what to do. It does come down to our own readiness to change but having an outside perspective on what is happening to us and our children can help us think clearly.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 25, 2012 at 11:58

      Thanks for your comment! Outside perspectives really can make a difference as we progress on our journey towards understanding a change needs to be made.

       
  25. butterflyforever78

    March 25, 2012 at 14:29

    I really enjoyed reading this

     
  26. gipsika

    March 25, 2012 at 14:52

    Great post!

     
  27. Lexia Cherry - Life Coaching

    March 26, 2012 at 05:42

    Reblogged this on Lexia Cherry's Relationship Coaching Blog and commented:
    Thanks for this – it’s lovely to see in writing that children fair better in single parent households than a conflicted ones.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 26, 2012 at 07:21

      Thank you, yes it is SOOO true – and too many people do not understand this very critical reality.

       
  28. Betsy Andrews Etchart

    March 26, 2012 at 07:10

    Really lovely post filled with wisdom. Although my blog is mainly a humorous (and hopefully helpful) parenting blog, it’s also about writing and the more complex issues beneath the surface of daily life. I’ve posted a few of essays about relationships that address some of the issues you’ve hit on here: Little Cheaters on God http://superherounderpants.com/2011/11/06/little-cheaters-on-god-part-1/, A Handful of Salt http://superherounderpants.com/2011/11/27/a-handful-of-salt/, Things I Didn’t Learn in a Tyvek Suit http://superherounderpants.com/2011/10/27/things-i-didnt-learn-in-a-tyvek-suit/, and The Secret Lives of Editors http://superherounderpants.com/2011/10/26/the-secret-lives-of-editors/.
    It’s remarkable how hard-won wisdom sometimes must be. Thanks for the “Like”–glad I discovered your site.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 26, 2012 at 07:17

      Thank you, Betsy, and thank you for the links to the other psots you wrote!!! :)

       
  29. Anonymous

    March 27, 2012 at 04:21

    NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED – EVER – NOT EVER.

    Amen to that! And yes, flee fast! When an abusive spouse begs for forgiveness, it’s not real forgiveness he or she is seeking. Rest assured that the abuse will resume once the abusive person loses control, AGAIN. I should know.

    Even if it meant raising my two kids alone, I was happier the moment I made the decision to end the unhappy situation. Still am – i.e. HAPPY. :)

    Good post!

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 27, 2012 at 07:20

      Thank you for your comment and sharing your opinions. Everything you state is absolutely true – and thank you for sharing your real life example of how much happier a person can be when they get out of a bad situation. I hope you have many more years of happiness!!! :)

       
  30. loveandacceptance

    March 27, 2012 at 20:26

    Great post! I think sometimes two wonderful people can be together but still have a toxic relationship. One person doesn’t have to be ‘bad’. I also think defining what a healthy relationship means to you personally is important. I have a post in the works about this.

    Thank you!

    Ashley

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 27, 2012 at 22:52

      This is a very good point, Ashley – THANK YOU so much for bringing it up!!! You can have two great people in a bad relationship….. this is such a good point, as it helps people realize it may not be anyone’s fault, but rather, a match that just did not mesh well.

       
  31. gregsmithmd

    March 28, 2012 at 20:01

    I love your easy yet very informative writing style. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I will surely be reading more of yours.

    Greg

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 28, 2012 at 22:41

      Thank you, Greg – I look forward to reading your blog too!

       
  32. Csaba Zalezsak

    March 28, 2012 at 21:12

    All good points. You mentioned severity of each category having a different impact. I think that brings up the point that we need to be self-aware of where we draw the line of any item. How much lying is too much? How long do we believe in promises of change before the lack of results tells us it’s time to go. I’ve seen women who really “work hard” at their relationship, and to me that already sounds one-sided. I’ve noticed men who also do the majority of the work. Man or woman, the stress I see in the people doing all the work tells me they are in an unhealthy relationship. From what I’ve went through myself and what I’ve seen others to through I know exactly where my lines are drawn and I feel relieved to know whoever I’m with is always going to be the best for me. It does mean I have to pay a lot of attention, but I’m in that habit already so it’s easy.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 28, 2012 at 22:33

      Very, very good point! Thank you! If a relationship is not equal, then there are going to be issues.

       
  33. BlackPearl

    March 30, 2012 at 00:18

    Your blog is amazing! Thanks for checking out my blog as well. I have never been in a toxic relationship. I pray I am able to quickly recognize and get out if I ever get close to one. I found our my best friend was in an abusive relationship and I cried hard because for all I say, I didn’t protect one of the most important people in my life from that situation. She has left the guy now but I don’t know if they still talks, she is a tad too forgiving. Overall though, I hope people have support systems to be able to get out of such negative relationships and build themselves into strong people.thanks for addressing this topic. It is much needed! I will definitely be a part of the journey to 40. I’m still young and a tad adrift so learning from an older persos would be nice..

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 30, 2012 at 10:25

      Thank you for the compliment, Black Pearl!!! Please remember that you can only be responsible for yourself and you cannot really protect others from toxic relationships. So go easy on yourself and do not take that guilt on. The best thing you can do is listen and be supportive and hope and pray that the person is strong enough to see the abuse and get out of a bad situation. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you visit again. Hang in there!

       
  34. Michelle B. Araneta

    March 31, 2012 at 04:53

    Thank you so very much for say this, “The only thing worse than children growing up with divorced parents is children growing up believing that it is normal for the home to be a combat zone. Your children WILL learn from your patterns and the way in which you model relationships. If you love your children enough that you want them to grow up and have a loving relationship, then that is what you must model. Staying in an unhealthy relationship teaches children that relationships are supposed to be dysfunctional. It is better to model taking care of yourself, as this will be an important lesson for your children. Do you want your children to grow up and be in an abusive or volatile relationship? If you do not, then make sure they are not growing up witnessing one.”

    I don’t believe that people understand this enough, including the courts. There is not enough information regarding this even though it is one of the very most important issues when raising children and dealing with abusive situations.

    Thank you for putting it out there.

     
    • 400daystil40

      March 31, 2012 at 12:39

      You are welcome! I really wish that more people would be open to hearing this very very critical message!

       
  35. don moores

    April 3, 2012 at 22:40

    love your idea re: the count down–I did somethig like that in my morning thought blog but mine has noe end–I like waht you do — how about doing a guest blog for me –I will reciprocate if you like

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 4, 2012 at 04:09

      Thanks, Don for your comment and compliment! I would be happy to do a guest blog for you. I have a crazy schedule for the next week, but would then have time and am happy to. Thank you for your kind words!! :)

       
  36. sanclemente365

    April 14, 2012 at 16:07

    Thanks to comment in my picture. can you please follow me? I am begining to post my pictures.

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 14, 2012 at 23:17

      Thank you, I will be checking back to see more of your work. Take care.

       
  37. 1smiles

    April 14, 2012 at 17:52

    Thank you for stopping by my blog. I was pleasently surprised when I came to read your topic today. I work as a Domestic Abuse/Sexual Assault Counselor for the past 20 years. My current posts are about my experiences as a foster parent.
    ~Jeannie

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 14, 2012 at 23:10

      Thank you for stopping by! As an adoptive parent I am very drawn to people who are adopting or fostering children, which is how I happened upon your blog. Thanks for all that you do!

       
  38. jackcurtis

    April 15, 2012 at 04:42

    We’re a funny species aren’t we? Hung up somewhere between selfishly preserving ourselves and unselfishly preserving our species. Born without any owners’ manual, left to figure it out on our own…but provided parents to get us started. Except, those parents didn’t have directions either…
    Excepting of course, their parents.

    But we do the best we can and the race has survived. So far. We team up; we seem to have to; our DNA likely. We don’t do that very well, often enough. As said, takes a lot of work and investment. By the time we figure that out, a lot of us are dead. So, we take it day-by-day, work at it, try to see the others’ needs as well as our own. Takes a while to figure that out. some never do. It helps if we can learn to actually care about someone else…not the same as wanting them physically. Have to learn that, too. Always, some learn, some don’t. Then we have to learn to tell who is which of those. No guarantees. Entering life, we pay no money but we take our chances!

     
  39. gracealexanderknits

    April 20, 2012 at 05:02

    In Britain we call it fight or flight – I am on my third marriage not that my last 2 spouses were anything but good decent men, but I have Bi-Polar and ADHD and was not getting any help – I left the relationships for the sake of my children who have all grown up to become wonderfully, laid back and happy adults – and they seem to understand why I needed to leave them and they amazingly love me for it.

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 20, 2012 at 07:39

      It sounds like you made good choices for yourself and your children. I really do believe that children understand when it is healthier for us to leave relationships and they appreciate that over living in the midst of chaos and tension.

       
      • gracealexanderknits

        April 20, 2012 at 17:38

        thank you the guilt can feel so overwhelming at times, but I do believe I’ve made the best choices for them,

         
  40. Gluten Free Mama!

    April 20, 2012 at 22:20

    Thanks for liking my Birthday Cake Martini! I hope its something you can enjoy when you’ve figured life out! I enjoyed this post. You bring up some great points!!

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 21, 2012 at 00:17

      You are welcome, thank you for stopping by!

       
  41. damienbeowulf

    April 22, 2012 at 03:25

    I think what it really boils down to is whether or not you love eachother. if there is even doubt of that fact you may want to consider ending it. I am personally having relationship problems, not with the relationship itself but people making it more… difficult. But after building a relationship for so long, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that we both love eachother you can bet your ass I’m gonna fight. Like a wolf I am gonna fight. I pity those that keep involving themselves in it because i know in the end we will be together and karma is a bitch for good reason.

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 22, 2012 at 11:29

      This is a good point…. and has to be taken into account. Love is very very important, though sometimes I have seen people (both men and women) love an abusive spouse who is unable to properly love them back…. this is where it gets more complicated….

       
  42. Anonymous

    April 26, 2012 at 01:16

    Me, I try to be nice to my ex husband but it always ends bitter. He still thinks he is God’s gift and I should never question him about his moral behaviour around our kids. He thinks if I ask, even if it being in a gentle way because of something he says. Just last week he said he thinks we should be back together even though he has been living with another woman for the past year last year, I asked him what kind of moral standard is he setting living with another woman but wanting me back and if I said yes would dump this woman? That must confuse the kids if he doesn’t even love this woman enough to want to keep her. Then he gets angry. He doesn’t like me being right, never has, never will. As he said for 20 years, I’m dumb, crazy and don’t know what I’m talking about. This is when you know to keep the toxic from your life. If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t even speak to him any more. If you’re in a relationship like this you know it’s time to flee. All I know I’ve been separated for a year and I’m waiting until Mr. Right comes along and not settling for Mr. Wrong ever again before anything. I’ve been given a second chance this time I’m waiting for marriage for everything. I have a 14 year old daughter, I need to show her it’s best to set the standard on high and chastity is the best wedding present you can give to a husband. Pray she see’s my way and not her fathers. Peace and prayers to all who are looking for happiness

     
    • 400daystil40

      April 26, 2012 at 22:51

      It sounds like you have done well for yourself by finally understanding the dysfunction and moving on – it is hard to disconnect and do that, but so very critical for yo and for the example you are setting for your daughter (as you wouldn’t want your daughter to grow up and have a similar relationship). I have found that disengagement (emotional and physical) as much as possible really helps to aide in the separation from unhealthy individuals.

       
  43. attentiontoeating

    May 4, 2012 at 00:33

    Hey, 400daystil40, I love your site! It sounds to me like you’ll have it all figured out by 40 and then keep working on it! Ha! Thanks for liking my Peanuts&Blackberries post on attentiontoeating. I’ll be coming back to check on you ;)

     
  44. deWriterMD

    February 19, 2013 at 04:39

    Reblogged this on MetaRead360 Small Press presents and commented:
    Wonderful assessments and advice!

     

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