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282 Days ’til 40: Feeling Fireworks (AKA – LUST vs. LOVE)

15 May

Explosion…. Fireworks…  Heaven and Earth colliding in that one moment where you believe all of the universe has created a symphony just for you and your new fling.  It is magic, it is hypnotic, it is addictive, it is temporary.

As I have said in previous posts (like my Valentine’s Day post) relationships are so much more than temporary feelings.  Almost everyone I know loves the emotional high and rush of a new relationship.  You have tons of energy, are constantly fantasizing about the other person…. you wonder what will happen next, how far will you go on the next date…….. do they feel the same way?  Many of these feelings are not logical…. they are biological, they are deep within us.  We are programmed to feel this way about potential mates.  Yet what happens when the excitement wears off?  What do you do when the fireworks disappear?

I believe this is the true test of a relationship.  When the house is dirty, the dishes are not clean and life gets mundane….. in those moments, how do you feel about your partner or spouse?  THOSE are the moments that count.  When you are working together at two in the morning to clean the vomit your five-year old has projected all over the room – THOSE are the moments that count.  Can you smile at each other, hug each other, and support each other in the midst of the celebrations and the heartache?  True love is not those amazing feelings at the beginning of the relationship – those feelings are natural and wonderful ,and so very fun, but they are not love….. they are LUST.  The feelings that settle in after a few years.  The feelings of stability and support… these are the realities of enduring love – and this is ultimately what we all want to strive for.  Enduring, lasting, love means far more to me than any fireworks display.

Today, 282 days ’til 40, I am reminded how lucky I am to be able to live with my partner a life of enduring love.  I wish the same for you.

~400daystil40

 

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36 responses to “282 Days ’til 40: Feeling Fireworks (AKA – LUST vs. LOVE)

  1. buckwheatsrisk

    May 15, 2012 at 00:09

    i feel blessed that way too! my Hubby and i have been through hell and back, most marriages wouldn’t have survived what our has and i am more in love with him every day! thank you for reminding me of my blessings!

     
  2. jensine

    May 15, 2012 at 00:43

    as a single not by choice but just cause that ‘s the way it is I miss what you describe but there you go, we have to just all live with what we have. Happy for you and your love

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:59

      I will say that as hard as it can be to be single, it is better to be single than to be in an unhealthy relationship (speaking from past experiences)…

       
      • jensine

        May 15, 2012 at 11:35

        Oh I agree … no compromise there

         
  3. Anonymous

    May 15, 2012 at 00:56

    I’m not so sure love needs the time you imply to develop. I understand your point but having children, my recollection is of something more immediate. I also believe there are other instances where love doesn’t necessarily develop but simply is. I can think of several historical figures who wasted no time in loving others. We all at least have this capability.

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:57

      So, in this case I am referring to love in the context of a relationship between two non-related individuals for romantic type purposes. There are other types of love that do not involve lust at all, like for a child, and that would be a different category altogether (and a different post!) That said, it is also interesting for me to watch, as a person in schools, the different levels of bonding children and parents have with each other. Sometimes it takes a parent longer to bond with a baby than expected (many bond immediately, but not all). I have spoken with many guilt -ridden parents who did not understand why their feelings towards their newborn had to grow, evolve and develop… but it can happen.

       
  4. Kinenchen

    May 15, 2012 at 01:11

    Definitely. Fireworks=anxiety. Thanks for this. :)

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:54

      :)

       
    • silverbells2012

      May 15, 2012 at 15:22

      Been there done that too many times. I think the way in which you meet a person can facilitate fireworks – e.g. online dating seems to require you to make a decision quickly rather than get to know another person naturally.

       
  5. Laura

    May 15, 2012 at 01:21

    An enduring relationship takes effort, but oh, so worth it! I’ve been married 36 years, an emotional, physical and spiritual roller coaster ride. Thank you for the reminder that there is a difference between love and lust.

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:54

      You are welcome, and yes is does take effort, but it is worth it! :)

       
  6. rabidmongoose

    May 15, 2012 at 01:52

    It’s sad how often lust is mistaken for love. I confess that I’ve made this mistake in my own life. I love how you point out that it’s how we feel after the initial ‘rush’ that counts as love or lust.

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:54

      Yes, it is… so very often…. and that is why we need to see what is left after the lust starts to dissipate!

       
  7. allthingsboys

    May 15, 2012 at 03:09

    So true! Done the middle of the night vomit thing more than once! Great post!

     
  8. craftythriftydecoratingwifemom

    May 15, 2012 at 03:52

    Love is a decision. Lust is an emotion. I think after being married to the same man for almost 36 years of ups and downs, sicknesses and health, 2 kids, etc. I qualify to agree with every word you said.

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 08:53

      Such a great way to put it and I agree with you completely!!!

       
  9. walkwiththerabbi

    May 15, 2012 at 05:11

    Well written as usual. True love isn’t a feeling – it is a decision!

     
  10. Lucianus Mauricius

    May 15, 2012 at 08:56

    Excellent point. I’ve been meaning to write something in the same regard, but never got around to doing so. Of course, my post was gonna be about gay relationships, which in most accounts are not so much different that straight ones, but there are some differences which can be significant if one truly pays attention to. It’s true that most people (gay & straight alike) mistake LUST for LOVE, which leads to the aforementioned euphoria of the first few days and weeks, to the less so appealing aftermath feelings of those fireworks, we set on display, we lit them up and we so them vanish. Disappointment, regret and behold…ANGER, are the birth-child of those same feelings we ones thought to be love, that he/she is the one and so on. I think I read it somewhere (or might as well have written it myself) that the difference between love and loving is like the difference between air and breathing. This is more accentuated for people with BPD which tend to have strong tumultuous relationships, idealizing the other person first and just a few short moments later pulling them down of the pedestal we ourselves built for them in the first place.
    You’re right in saying that the moments which really count are those which test you both as a couple. Those are the cornerstone of your relationship, and a true sign if the relationship is genuine or not and if it’s gonna be enduring.
    Unfortunately, lust is a powerful feeling as well, add to it the feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem and you got a nice recipe for emotional-disaster, unless you know and you clearly see the other person for what they truly are, and what they mean to you. I’ve often had a clear idea the person I was with, was there just for physical satisfaction. Yet, there were times when I wasn’t able to stop those nagging thoughts this might turn into something more, only to find myself naked and alone in my bed for weeks on end. One can never be too careful in choosing a person to be or nor to be in our lives for a specific amount of time, however long it may be. Thank you for sharing.

     
    • 400daystil40

      May 15, 2012 at 09:06

      Thanks so much for your comment! Who is to say what type of relationship I am referring to???? It could be gay/ lesbian/ straight/ bi….. do you really know??? If you read through some of my posts and the comments after you may find subtle clues… or you may not…. because really, when you write about relationships and life on the fundamental levels it applies to everyone. I agree with you that it is hard to act on the lust when you really hope that the lust will become something more (and sometimes it does develop into love). I have found, as hard as it may be, that when you take the time and do not act on lust and see if there is something there first, it changes the flow of a relationship… somehow makes it more meaningful, less “cheap”…….. but sometimes when you want that intimacy you are torn between gratifying immediate needs or more long term needs.

       
      • Lucianus Mauricius

        May 15, 2012 at 09:27

        You’re right, I was presumptuous to think you were writing about only straight relationships, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.
        Now, going back to what you just said, right now I find myself in the same situation being described in your post. I have a close confidant which I’ve know for years, and I always was attracted to him. It took me a long time and much work to finally turn our friendship into an intimate sexual one, and it was great. It was great to hold and be held by someone who I had shared so much with, who understood me more than my own kin, and who I knew I shouldn’t be expecting more than he could give. Alas, once the intimacy was consummated, I was left to wonder what would be next, was it going to turn into a relationship, friends with benefits or what??? There was a two month period after our intimate encounter where we didn’t have any contact with each other, which left me feeling abandoned and deeply sad. It got to the point where I really was hurting so much I felt hate towards my friend for the first time ever. We spoke again a few days ago, and he seems to want to continue, yet I know he can only offer me so much, and now I’m the one who has to decide if that’s enough. Do I want to pursue our intimate moments (as short and further apart as they are), or do I want to just stop having anything to do with him at all?! Is it worth loosing a friend over sex, or is there more to it than just physical gratification??? All I know is that in his arms I feel safe, protected, and cared for, but, it’s just not enough, not for me at least.

         
        • 400daystil40

          May 15, 2012 at 22:58

          :) Yes, I always find it interesting when my LGBT friends are among the first to assume heterosexist norms, even as they struggle with those assumptions being placed o them. You are so correct…. there is such a fine line between friendship and intimacy and sometimes intimacy destroys a great friendship, and at other times it is what takes a friendship into a magical place of finding that perfect life partner……. and without taking the risk it is hard to know which path a particular relationship may take…… you do not want to risk losing the friend, but you also worry that you would always wonder that could have been if you do not take the chance…. such difficult decisions.

           
          • Lucianus Mauricius

            May 16, 2012 at 08:14

            I already made that decision and implemented it into my friendship, but now I worry my friend will not be able to provide what I need to feel content in a relationship of any sort

             
      • Kinenchen

        May 15, 2012 at 17:53

        The biggest difference I ever saw between my biological parents and my gay “dads” was that my dads never struggled with issues relating to gender roles which was a big obstacle (ultimately fatal to their union) in my biological parents’ marriage. Fortunately I learned from my “dads” first; no person who loves me will box me into a stereotype. That being said, I’ve lusted and been lusted after and neither is as healthy, enriching or rewarding as finding your best friend and making up your mind to be with them every day.

         
        • 400daystil40

          May 15, 2012 at 22:53

          Wow, what a wonderful example – thank you for sharing….. and I agree with you re: the realities of lust.

           
  11. Lucianus Mauricius

    May 15, 2012 at 08:56

    Reblogged this on Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind and commented:
    Excellent point. I’ve been meaning to write something in the same regard, but never got around to doing so. Of course, my post was gonna be about gay relationships, which in most accounts are not so much different that straight ones, but there are some differences which can be significant if one truly pays attention to. It’s true that most people (gay & straight alike) mistake LUST for LOVE, which leads to the aforementioned euphoria of the first few days and weeks, to the less so appealing aftermath feelings of those fireworks, we set on display, we lit them up and we so them vanish. Disappointment, regret and behold…ANGER, are the birth-child of those same feelings we ones thought to be love, that he/she is the one and so on. I think I read it somewhere (or might as well have written it myself) that the difference between love and loving is like the difference between air and breathing. This is more accentuated for people with BPD which tend to have strong tumultuous relationships, idealizing the other person first and just a few short moments later pulling them down of the pedestal we ourselves built for them in the first place.
    You’re right in saying that the moments which really count are those which test you both as a couple. Those are the cornerstone of your relationship, and a true sign if the relationship is genuine or not and if it’s gonna be enduring.
    Unfortunately, lust is a powerful feeling as well, add to it the feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem and you got a nice recipe for emotional-disaster, unless you know and you clearly see the other person for what they truly are, and what they mean to you. I’ve often had a clear idea the person I was with, was there just for physical satisfaction. Yet, there were times when I wasn’t able to stop those nagging thoughts this might turn into something more, only to find myself naked and alone in my bed for weeks on end. One can never be too careful in choosing a person to be or nor to be in our lives for a specific amount of time, however long it may be. Thank you for sharing.

     
  12. bgillen

    May 15, 2012 at 13:45

    I would be lost without my hubby. And the nice thing is, you don’t ever have to fall out of lust. Just helps deepen the love

     
  13. edwardonbebop

    May 15, 2012 at 14:05

    Reblogged this on Edward On Bebop and commented:
    A very nice blog post !

     
  14. Tom Lucas

    May 15, 2012 at 16:00

    Great post, and it mirrors my own thoughts. I have always felt that passion will lead to compassion, and the maturation of a relationship cannot avoid this. Also, it’s biological — we are wired to go crazy at first, then settle down. The idea being, procreation then protection.

     

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