393 Days ’til 40: Human Bugle @ss

25 Jan

Don’t you just hate those days?  Come on, admit it – you KNOW you have them.  You ate something…. you may not know what, but you certainly had something that has turned your @ss into a Human Bugle Horn.  Aren’t you lucky???

Now, there are different types of Buttockial Bugles, some less desirable than others.  Let’s define the varieties.

Clandestine Cornet 

This one is silent, but deadly.  And… I… mean…. DEADLY.  This is the kind that makes your dog howl and slink out of the room.  The good news is the silence.  If you let loose with one of these in the middle of a crowded room, it may not be traced to you, particularly if you start to make a funny face and over-emphasize your sniffing.  Be careful not to sniff too loudly or too emphatically (first of all, you may asphyxiate yourself with the fumes).  You do not want the room to think you are the culprit (or rather, KNOW you are the culprit).  The other thing you will want to remember is not to make an exit that is too quick…. also a dead give away that the stench is yours.  The best escape technique in these situations is to casually move all parties in the room to a new location (pulling the fire alarm is not the best way to accomplish this).  Notice a new painting in the adjacent room, take a walk, or suggest you move to another room to have some tea and cookies.

Thundering Trumpet

This @ss horn may just put Louis Armstrong to shame!  Great tonal qualities, wonderful projection – and free from any air-polluting toxins.  There is no methane gas produced in this proud musical moment.  (Scientific side note – cows produce Methane farts, human farts are mostly Nitrogen, with just a trace of Methane and Hydrogen.)  These horns let out a warning siren, but no chemical attack follows them.  If you are in a crowded room, you may be able to pass this off as coming from another party – it depends on how blustering the pitch was.  Warning – do not, I repeat DO NOT try to talk louder in order to cover up your thundering trumpet.  This only makes matters worse.  The trumpet has already blown, therefore you will not actually be speaking over your trumpeting, but, rather, the ensuing awkward silence.  This is would be an obvious clue, an unwitting disclosure, a telltale sign and giveaway.  If you speak loudly after you thunder, the shroud will shrivel and your cover will be blown.  Play it cool, react only nominally.  Start a very interesting subject in the near future, but not too eagerly.  Hopefully the moment will pass and everyone will move on.  Memories are short… usually.

Bold Battle Bugle 

This is the deadliest variety.  This @ss Bugle comes with both tone and stench.  The good news for those around you is that it announces it’s arrival, giving surrounding company plenty of chance to duck and cover (or head for the hills!)  The bad news for you is that there is no pretending where that horrid smell came from, your @ss hung you out to dry – the tone was so strong it gave you away.  It was as though your @ss shouted, “Come, here, look at me, I am the one that worked so hard to wilt the flowers in the room!!!”  If you have let loose with one of these, don’t even try to deny it – you WILL be caught.  Just run, RUN away.  The timing of your ability to emerge shame-free will depend on the extent of damages and the specific social situation, but may vary from 5 minutes to 5 weeks.  Plan ahead, if you are prone to these attacks I recommend you build a stocked Y2K shelter in your backyard.  Here is a good example from another blog:

And, finally, some advice for you all (and for the betterment of human kind).  If you suffer from flatulence that has turned your @ss into an instrument, perhaps the following dietary guidelines will be of value to you:

The following foods are known (maybe not by professionals, but my personal @ss trumpet) to create tooting tushies:

Beans (you all know the rhyme… “beans, beans the magical fruit….”)

Fruits – especially apples, bananas, prunes and dried fruits

Fake Sugar – particularly Sorbitol

Vegetables (cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts,corn, onions, turnips)

Dairy products (particularly if you are lactose intolerant – milk and ice cream especially)

Wheat products/ bran/ etc.

High fat foods

The following foods are known (again, maybe not by professionals, but by my personal @ss trumpet) to reduce buttock bugles:


So there you have it!  You are now well-informed!  If you find you are not able to rid yourself of your @ss bugling abilities, embrace them!  Maybe you can “cut” an album and be rich.  If you do, please remember me – I want 5% of the royalties for the idea.

It is said that love makes the world go ’round – the announcement lacks verification. It’s wind from the dinner horn that does it.  ~O. Henry

400daystil40 (Sounding off!)

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Posted by on January 25, 2012 in Health, Old, Rants


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