317 Days ’til 40: The Necessity of Physical Touch

10 Apr

Quality Snuggle Time – Many researchers have confirmed the reality that we need touch in order to survive.  We MUST have physical contact with other beings.  We are programmed in a way that we experience great distress (both emotional and physical) if we lose that necessary contact.

When I was in university I lived with roommates for many years.  As I tend to be a person that is slower to warm up to people and trust them, I tend to be more reserved in my interactions with people, particularly physically.  As a result, I literally went multiple years without regular physical contact (i.e.: hugs, etc.)  I DID have TONS of friends and would socialize from sunrise to sunset, but somehow regular hugs or other types of touch were not part of my daily interactions with individuals for those collegiate years.

I was touch deprived and did not really know or understand it.  But what I did start to notice was the feeling I had when people did touch me.  Whenever I got a supportive pat on the back or hug from a friend, it would literally send chills to my spine.  Because I was not regularly experiencing person to person touch, when it did occur it was literally as though each touch had an electric quality to it.  It went from my skin to my bones.  Sometimes I would even feel my stomach drop.  When I did get those occasional pats on the back and hugs I would freeze.  Unfortunately, this probably caused the individuals to stop, as I was not responding in a socially appropriate way (hugging back, thanking them, telling them not to stop).  Ironically, I froze because I did not want it to stop and was afraid somehow that any movement at all would cause the contact to be broken.  My frozen response caused exactly what I did not want – the touch to stop.

I am long past that time in my life, and with a loving partner and two wonderful girls there is caring personal touch, hugs and kisses daily.  Because touch is such a regular part of my life, I feel comforted by it – one random touch no longer shoots through my entire body as though I have experienced an electric surge.  That time in my life made me so appreciative of having a loving family and understanding that safe, healthy, nurturing,  physical contact is part of that loving structure.  That time also emphasized to me the critical need for hugs, kisses, and cuddling – personal touch of a non-sexual nature, touch that is a vehicle of love, support and comfort.

Today, 317 days ’til 40, I will remind myself of the critical need all beings have for safe, loving personal touch.  I will remember to reach out with hugs to my girls and partner, as well as my pets.  As I reach out to them, I also reap the benefits of  as I  give to myself simultaneously.

I hope that every being on this earth will one day get receive the personal touch they desperately need and deserve.  It is the way we are programmed.



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72 responses to “317 Days ’til 40: The Necessity of Physical Touch

  1. viveka

    April 10, 2012 at 00:14

    Was like you … in another life, but now I’m the hugging. It was difficult for my partners because I was so reserved and didn’t response has they had hoped – but they accepted me and helped me step by step – to become what I’m today. Can’t remember I ever got a hug as a child. Its so true we feel safe to be able to change. Good post again.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:58

      Thank you so much for your compliment and your important point that we can shift over time.

  2. doubleinvert

    April 10, 2012 at 00:36

    The importance of touch cannot be stressed enough.

    It was a year ago when my partner told me she was no longer in love with me. Shortly thereafter, the touch stopped.

    Sure, I have friends who will hug me. but it’s not quite the same.

    I hope to one day regain that regular comfort of touch.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:56

      Yes it is so hard, and one of the hardest parts about going from couple to single is losing that touch, someone to cuddle up next to, someone breathing beside you. It is not easy… I hope for you that you are able to find a loving partner to form a relationship where you both support and compliment each other.

  3. hawkruh1

    April 10, 2012 at 00:37

    Oh how I long for that touch, those hugs and snuggling from my husband. Unfortunately it isn’t his style. And I cry inside for that missing connection.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:55

      It is so very hard when couples are not touch compatible. I have heard this from more than one couple…. sometimes they can talk to their spouse and they get results, others end up cuddling with children or pets…. not easy.

  4. buckwheatsrisk

    April 10, 2012 at 00:42

    i have to think about this…i do not handle touch well at all, when someone touches me or hugs me, i either freeze or go numb to cope with it. i am making a point of trying to remember to do that with my closest friends, but it is an effort. i didn’t know touch was such a need…

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:53

      Touch really is a huge need, but for people who are touch deprived it can almost feel painful. It is a bit like my daughter, who came malnourished but really struggled to eat what she needed….. it was right, but not comfortable for her until she slowly adapted and only then did she really understand how much she needed the extra nutrition.

      • buckwheatsrisk

        April 10, 2012 at 06:10

        yes it is almost terrifying to me…just to think about it even…i can handle it from my Hubby but from anyone else is really difficult…funny thing is (or not so funny) my Hubby has a really hard time with it too…

        • 400daystil40

          April 10, 2012 at 06:15

          That makes a lot of sense… Also makes sense you would be drawn to someone who also struggles in this area as you can help each other and relate.

          • buckwheatsrisk

            April 10, 2012 at 06:23

            sorry it makes sense to you too..but i’m glad you are doing better in that way!

  5. bradpierce

    April 10, 2012 at 01:48

    One of the very best books I’ve ever read is Walter Goldschmidt’s “The Bridge to Humanity: How Affect Hunger Trumps the Selfish Gene”. Highly recommended.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:50

      Thanks so much! I look forward to finding it! I hope it is available on Kindle or Nook!

  6. jensine

    April 10, 2012 at 02:13

    I believe hugs are as important as regular meals 🙂

  7. writerwannabe763

    April 10, 2012 at 03:49

    I am a touchy, feely person..always have been and always will be. There are those as you felt earlier in your life that you can tell feel uncomfortable with hugs etc. Maybe some of them feel as you did..but others you find out just weren’t raised that way and so really don’t like it.

    I was told once by my oldest sister…the firstborn of 10 and I the last…that my father never held his children on his knee or ever told them he loved them. However we were blessed with a very loving mother who gave all the necessary love and attention that all 10 of us could handle.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:49

      Such good points, and yes, sometimes only one parent is loving and affectionate (some families really do not expose their children to hugging of any kind)….. and sometimes there are cultural realities as well.

  8. Laura Conowitch

    April 10, 2012 at 04:27

    This goes well with your previous post. One cause of depression/suicidal thoughts is feelings of lack of self-worth. We could all use more of those compassionate touches, hugs and affirming gestures.

  9. onebreathmeditation

    April 10, 2012 at 04:28

    Good post. People need not be worried if they dont have anyone close to share physical touch with, getting a massage will have much of the same affect, like releasing oxytocin and other neurotransmitters/endorphins.

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 05:46

      Good point, the necessary physical touch can come in other forms, when necessary (or in addition).

  10. KC

    April 10, 2012 at 07:49

    I know what it is to be starved of touch. As a child, oldest of 6, all step-brothers and sisters (mom married dad when I was 3 mos.) and the only empath in a family of conflict addicted people…it wasn’t easy. My mom and dad didn’t touch us for affection. Just for punishment. I used all sorts of stratagems to touch them. Everything from acting up for attention to volunteering to scratch backs, rub feet, etc. Just to have something to make my hands and heart and skin stop aching. I’m not sure, but I think empaths may need touch more than others…they at least feel it more deeply.

    Unfortunately, an incident at 14 led me down a path to severe weight gain and depression, and as many know, that is a road with a difficult reverse. *sighs* So low self esteem, self disgust even, made for 20 yrs. with almost no physical contact at all, and what I got was misinterpreted in my mind even so. “I don’t deserve it, I can feel their disgust, I should apologize for taking up space and air and…” Seriously. I can hardly believe it, and it’s only been 10 yrs. gone now.

    Well, working on gone. Still issues. But I still starve for touch, because all my friends and contacts are either in other places or online. I recently lost my one long-term relationship (6 yrs.) and all I can think now is how much I came to take it for granted. To know that I had complete permission to just reach over and lay a hand on his shoulder, or take his hand, or lay my head on his chest at night and listen to him breathe. Alright, snore, but still. 😉 It’s too quiet now.

    Sorry…I seriously need to learn when to stop “talking” so much. Just wanted to say I know what you mean, and I’m glad you have people now. 🙂

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 16:19

      Thank you so much for sharing your experiences because I am sure there are other readers who can relate so much…. one of the realities of internet is that it can give us great socialization we may not otherwise have, but it does so in isolation without that physical touch which so many of us need.

  11. Spider42

    April 10, 2012 at 10:09

    Amen to that!
    We are far too reserved and withdrawn nowadays – I mean yes, my nature is a lot like what you describe (reserved, slow to warm, etc) but even I appreciate the value of a simple thing like a hug, especially having someone who knows when you really need that contact. But I think somewhere between the puritan religious pressures to behave a certain way plus the social pressures of “being a man” and such stuff, just makes us miserable in the end.
    My friends and I, we aren’t touchy feely but if I meet a bro, a hug is in order cos I’m just happy to see them and we couldn’t care less about the uptight types who think it’s odd. B***s to them I say!

  12. livingvoraciously

    April 10, 2012 at 15:31

    Reblogged this on Livingvoraciously's Blog and commented:
    SO true!!!! Most don’t recognize how important or good a simple HUG can feel but a loving one is simply priceless. This is what I miss the most… loving, trusting, nurturing touch!

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 16:15

      I think there are others who feel the same way.

      • livingvoraciously

        April 10, 2012 at 16:21

        I am sure there are 🙂

  13. shanson3871

    April 10, 2012 at 15:38

    In my last marriage my husband was, well lets say not a nice man. I had pulled myself away from him and his touch for years. We NEVER kissed, or held hands, or brushed against each other ever. Really the only touch the last 4 yrs of our marriage I got from him was from anger. I hadn’t realized how much I was craving that loving gentle touch from another human. I divorced him and met and procceded to marry an amazing man who made a point of holding my hand, giving me hugs and kisses all the time. He still does. And when we first got together I realized just how much I missed that. I think he thought I was crazy with the constant touching!! 🙂 Even now, when I’m upset about something and you can almost literally see steam coming out of my head.. he’ll walk over and give me a hug and a kiss and all my defenses just drop. It’s a good thing..

    • 400daystil40

      April 10, 2012 at 16:14

      Wow, it sounds like you have been through a lot – how wonderful that you were able to get out of the unhealthy relationship and find someone who treats you so much better.

      • shanson3871

        April 10, 2012 at 17:10

        I have.. but you know our scars are what make us who we are… 🙂

        • 400daystil40

          April 11, 2012 at 05:27

          Definitely – I have said that a few times myself.

  14. saymber

    April 10, 2012 at 16:26
    The sensation you describe about in the past when someone touched you, it feeling an electric charge, makes perfect sense. We are made of energy and when two “batteries” connect….there is energy transfer. There are times it’s almost like “starving” when I don’t get hugged etc! My little dog Spot and two kitties help a lot. I’m in a very isolated situation and don’t get much contact aside from my husband and his family.

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 05:29

      Yes, such a good point that lack of physical touch can feel like a different form of starvation – and thank you for the wonderful link – I LOVED the article! 🙂

  15. Michelle B. Araneta

    April 10, 2012 at 17:33

    When it came to friends, I was always shy in regards to physical touch. For me, it was something intimate and that was meant to be shared only with that special someone, even if it was only a hug or wrapping arms together. But now that I am older, having gone through all that I have gone through, I understand the meaning of a simple hug from a friend. And more importantly, I understand the power of it.

    Beautiful post.

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 05:26

      Yes, I do agree that we often appreciate this more as we mature. Thanks for your comment.

  16. annesturetucker

    April 10, 2012 at 20:34

    Yes Amen! Loving touch is so important!

  17. LauraLee

    April 10, 2012 at 21:25

    I have CRPS (RSD) and that means lots of pain. I’m also allergic to many/most pain relievers, so things can get hairy at times.
    One of the things that is most effective in dealing with this pain is my husband’s touch. I’m not talking about therapeutic massage and I’m not talking about sexual touch – although either or both are also effective methods for pain relief – but simply his touch.
    Some nights I’ll wake up from a pain dream to find that he has draped an arm protectively around me. He’s still sound asleep and has no memory of it in the morning, but his instinctive touch soothes me enough that I can go back to sleep.
    Yes, I’d have to agree; physical touch is necessary to good health. It’s positive effects can also border on miraculous at times.

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 05:25

      I agree so much with your comment, and it has even been proven – when one twin has failure to thrive, by placing the other twin in the incubator next to them they will often have miraculous recoveries. Your comment is so relevant, I am so glad you shared it with the readers.

  18. walkwiththerabbi

    April 11, 2012 at 04:40

    It’s true. Actually, when we’re touched, our brain secretes endorphins. It’s the same when we caress (not so much pat) our animal companions. Hugs from here,

  19. weggieboy

    April 11, 2012 at 05:15

    My mother and father had a hand code they used to tell each other “I love you!”, “It’s OK!”, and all those little messages married couples need to have to hold together a family, to grow in love for each other.

    The system clearly worked: After dating for five years, they married and were a couple till my father died, seventy-one years and a few months later.

    My father’s last year, he and my mother shared a room at a local care center. His last night, they held hands while his life ebbed.

    I have no doubt- I don’t have to ask!- that no words were exchanged, but Mom surely, beyond doubt, used their hand signals to tell Dad “I love you!”, “It’s OK!”, and all those little messages married couples need to have to hold together a family, to grow in love for each other.

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 05:18

      Wow, what a gorgeous story about your parents. Thank you so much for sharing that. The story of them is what I hope will happen with my own relationship as I grow old….. I think it is something we all hope for. How incredibly touching.

      • weggieboy

        April 11, 2012 at 06:50

        At one point, I learned I wasn’t signed in. When I signed in, I found my first start had vanished. Of course, I see now it actually didn’t vanish, though I can’t account for where it went. Sorry about the redundancy.

  20. weggieboy

    April 11, 2012 at 05:36

    My mother and father used hand signals to tell each other “I love you”, “It’s OK”, and all those other little words necessary to hold a marriage together and to grow in love for each other. When you saw them holding hands, a regular part of their day, you’d see their hands “talking”!

    It must have worked because they had 71 years of marriage after a five year engagement. Dad died holding Mom’s hand. I know, without asking her, that she used their hand signals to tell Dad “I love you”, “It’s OK”, and all those other little words necessary to hold a marriage together and to grow in love for each other. He had a quiet passing.

    Their marriage had its rough spots, of course, but this little thing they did- holding hands and using a secret code known to just two people- communicated much more than words alone, smoothed those times out and added depth of joy and appreciation of their blessings when times were good.

    This was a super entry in your “400daystill40 log”. I am 64 so I can reflect back on that age, the insights that came with and of that age. I see you will have a rewarding fifth decade! It’s amazing how many people don’t get it- the meaning of life, if you will- and continue to flounder through their fifth, sixth, and subsequent decades.

    Both Mom and Dad believed in giving back to their community, and both took on volunteer activities for which the family is proud but humbled: 60 years of Red Cross swimming lesson given for free for my Mom and co-founding of a center for senior citizens that still provides activities, meals, and senior services to the community for my Dad. Those are just the tip of their service to others, but are pretty cool!

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 05:43

      Wow, it sounds like your parents had an amazing relationship. I love how you mention their non- verbal communication….. Touch and signals…. As that often hAppens in really solid loving relationships. All of their community service also is so impressive…. I wish more people would choose to give back like they did.

  21. The Quiet Borderline

    April 11, 2012 at 10:17

    Great post. Most definitely true.

    Sometimes all I want is a silent hug. That’s all I need to feel better. Unfortunately I don’t really get it but maybe some other time in my life, I will.

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 16:05

      I am sure many have felt this way… needing it but not being able to ask for or get it (depending on the circumstances).

  22. artwyrd

    April 11, 2012 at 17:56

    I’m starting to learn about such things, and I’m way past 40! Thank you for sharing.

  23. Nadine C. Keels

    April 11, 2012 at 20:17

    Similar experience… I’m an affectionate person who ironically went pretty touchless for a while, some years back. I’ve been trying to get better at both giving and receiving these days, as I’ve been hearing more about how important touch is for our health. Not only do I want to be healthy–I want to help the people around me to stay healthy as well.

    Not many weeks ago, I fed a bottle to a 4 or 5 month old baby. I’ve held and played with babies and have changed some diapers before, but that was my first time actually feeding one. The little fella probably didn’t know that I was getting as much out of that feeding time as he was! He has thus become my current favorite baby…

    • 400daystil40

      April 11, 2012 at 22:17

      Yes, it is such an amazing experience and connection feeding a baby… in fact, when babies do not get that connection they often have attachment disorders.

  24. fitfoodhealthprogram

    April 12, 2012 at 00:54

    This is so true! Humans instinctively yearn for love and affection. Thank you so much for such an interesting post!

  25. paranoid4life

    April 12, 2012 at 01:57


  26. damoris

    April 14, 2012 at 16:45

    Love your posts. What a journey you are taking us through! Thank you.
    I rememebr reaidng about orphan babies during and after world wars. some scientists conducted an experiment. Half the babies were extremely religioulsy well cared for in regard of comfort, nutrition, hygiene… the best care you can think of but as little physical contact as possible. The other half of the babies were cared for materialistically in a very basic way but wer given load of hugs and talking, holding and physical human attention. To confirm the arguments on your post, the first half of babies saw numerous deaths while the second half witnessed really healthy babies growing well and becoming more and more aware of the world around them. Horrible experiment that benefited thousands more babies since then. We do need physical contact, the gentle kind prererably . Thank you.

    • 400daystil40

      April 14, 2012 at 23:14

      Thank you so much for your kind word about my blog. Yes, I am aware of the studies you mention that really reinforce the great need for touch. I agree with you, horrible experiment (for the babies left without the touch) but thankfully we did learn from it as a society.

  27. simon7banks

    April 14, 2012 at 19:51

    Yes. This isn’t something very easy for me either. It worries me that hug and snuggle are being pushed away – by an obsession with paedophilia (so a grandfather or even a father cuddling a small child will get suspicious looks) and for men, by treating male embraces, hand-holding and so on as necessarily sexual. I taught in Kenya for two years and boys in the school often held hands without any idea it might be sexual.

    I see mothers on their phones ignoring their children (could be fathers too, but fathers in that situation tend to be on their best behaviour, attentive to the child but afraid to cuddle in public).

    It’s interesting here to think of two American politicians who exerted huge power through hand contact. John Kennedy’s upbringing was quite distant and repressed and physical contact did not come natrurally to him – so when he made it, it had abnormal electricity. Bill Clinton used it brilliantly – calculation, perhaps, but also the conflict occasioned by a loving mother and an abusive stepfather?

    • 400daystil40

      April 14, 2012 at 23:03

      Very good points – and yes, it is sad that there is that reality out there that a few bad individuals have made it harder for the rest of us to reach out in genuine support with physical touch. This is why personal safety programs are so critical in schools, churches, etc. – so that we can educate and empower children – and explain to them that touch can be wonderful and healthy in the right context….. and as you mention, so very, very powerful.

  28. damoris

    April 15, 2012 at 12:41

    Hugs and kisses are needed by the human kind, by babies, children and adults even more. A study showed that as babies we get so much physical contact and as the years grow we get less and less. A ten year old hardly gets any hug or physical contact anymore these days, let alone a near 40 years old !! lol. These pre-teen children walk to school ashamed of holding their mom’s hand in front of friends. And as Simon mentioned, my husband also has had to be over careful now that our daughters have grown up. For the tiny percentage of disrespectful people around children, the nice loving good numerous men around have to restrain from giving. From a very early age I have taught our children to feel comfortable refusing a hug or any kind of physical contact if they didn’t want it. I obviously never mentioned the risks, fear isn’t a preventing factor anyway “don’t open the door to strangers” is the best example. They all do it anyway! Teaching children to be fearful of people who are mentally sick is actually affecting their own developpement and intellect. So I never mentioned anything like that to them but made sure their body remained their own privacy and that no one, friend, children, family and even me had any kind of right on their body. It is entirely their choice to receive, or not, the touch from others.
    Luckily the world is populated with more well intentioned people than the opposite, and touching should be back in everybody’s way and take over the fear of appearing weak, weird or sick.
    We all need to make a point to touch/hug/embrace/hold/pat/tickle… more and better.
    Thank you.

    • 400daystil40

      April 15, 2012 at 13:16

      You are so very right, and it is a tough balance. The interesting, and ridiculous reality about scaring children re: strangers is that MOST abuse, kidnappings, etc. are perpetrated by people the children KNOW. I think the stranger danger reality came about as a way to teach children about personal safety while making adults feel better. When we step back and realize that most people who hurt our children are in our close inner circles, it becomes very difficult to bear, as you realize that even though most people are indeed trustworthy, on some levels you can trust no one. Crazy world we live in!

      • damoris

        April 15, 2012 at 14:18

        That’s right. Like ostriches we dig our heads in the sand thinking we’ve done our job correctly! ha ha. My 10 year old has been babysat 5 times in her entire life, and my 9 year old only 4 times for that very reason! And they haven’t been out of my sight for the past 3 years! ha ha… Now you must think I am completely crazy or totally paranoid… but we need to do what feels right for our children in order to protect them. In the meantime, I always make sure both our daughters get plenty of hugging, massaging, holding hands and loving cuddles, kisses and hugs from me. Actually, they come up to me and steal them from me now! They know when they need it and simply ask for it if I get too side tracked!! lol They even give them back when they feel I need it!!! When I think about this now, I feel very lucky having achieved this in our family and hope this will inspire other people. There is nothing wrong in asking for a hug. It is a strength to have to be able to fight all preconceived ideas and actually say: “I need a hug, could you give me one?”. It is so easy and simple. If we all acted like that , we would avoid so many built up frustrations, unhappy days and disputes.
        We can all teach our children to “touch” for soothing others. as long as those people are happy to receive of course.
        Over here , in Australia, people respect children so much, it is amazing. They wouldn’t just approach them, grab them and kiss or hug them without some approval. Where I am from, France, it is the opposite. Children belong to adults: they do as they’re told and are being forced to kiss hello to whoever the adult has decided (family and close friends usually)…
        Some countries, (just like Simon said where boys hold hands without thinking twice about it), some cultures do get more touched but the quality and reason for it may not always be as beneficial… I haven’t got any reading backing me up on that one but have always wondered about it.
        My children are lucky, they get the best of both worlds. They actually have access to touch through their French side and have the right to refuse it through the Australian way. But we can all do this and teach it. Lead by example they say.
        I believe being physically touched makes you feel alive. You do exist more when you feel human physical contact around you.
        Just a silly thought is popping in my mind: does it mean that “touch deprived ” people should immerse themselves in the crowd around the tube stations at pick hour? Would that help as a quick fix?
        I suppose the amount you get probably enhances your own self esteem too, people are interested in giving to you. That is a boost in itself.
        over the years, I’ve see to many times little children getting up to no good and getting the physical punishment “reward”. I’ve always thought these children are lacking the good attention, the nice sweet loving touch of a parent. They crave it but don’t know how to get it until one day they do something wrong that irritates the parent. And then they’re given the key: mischief= physical punishment= being touched… The vicious circle is in place. Once you start, you can’t stop punishing. I could be wrong but that’s how I’ve always read it. Most children do seek attention from their parents and get it by being naughty. Neither the parent nor the child realises that the poor little thing just wants a hug… It saddens me greatly. But hopefully more and more people are trying to learn from others and are opened to change for the better. One day the world will be a better place for everyone, it has to be.
        So here we are… I suggest you just simply leave the computer now, walk to your closest human being and ask for a hug! lol… and see what happens! lol

        • 400daystil40

          April 15, 2012 at 16:23

          Thank you for all of your amazing insight – I do hope that others take the time to scroll down and read this as I believe they can learn a lot from your sharing your perspectives and experience! Thankfully, with a loving partner, two kids,and three cats, I personally get to give and receive lots of hugs daily (even if my pre-teen rolls her eyes as she has to endure them!!!) 😉

          • damoris

            April 16, 2012 at 02:19

            Soon enough she’ll realise your the most loving man she’ll ever meet is you and she’ll come back to you a million times stronger. It is just a stage young ones go through but deep down she loves every second of it! There is nothing like daddy’s hug in a little girl’s heart despite what she says or does. Just ignore the attitude, it will go away. That way you can both keep nourishing your hearts and share the most beautiful feeling on earth: the love exchanged between a child and her parent. But I am drifting from your original subject now, sorry, I couldn’t help it. Ha ha… don’t get me started on education, that is the key to our future and I am very passionate about it.
            Lucky you for having cats! They are such independent creatures, they just take what they need without thinking about the consequences. lol. Animals generally speaking, do know how to look after themselves, when they need contact, they just come up to you and you just know what to do! We should learn from them and be more natural, and not have to think to much about the consequences. We should tune to each other better like animals do. We would surely get our daily dose of “touch” then. Thanks to you too for bringing up those really important little things in life. I wish I had more time to float through all your posts, everything you write is really inspiring.

          • 400daystil40

            April 16, 2012 at 11:31


  29. hawkruh1

    April 15, 2012 at 16:39

    So you can imagine how emotional I become because my husband does not like to hug or cuddle. It tears at my soul.

    • 400daystil40

      April 15, 2012 at 16:48

      😦 I am sure this must be very difficult for you. Have you tried talking with him? Are there realities from his past or personal/ religious beliefs that make it difficult for him to have that close physical contact? Are there other places where you can get hugs? (I.e., friends, co-workers, family, etc.?)

      • hawkruh1

        April 15, 2012 at 17:07

        Yes I have talked to him. He will then try, but it’s not there. Luckily, my son who is 16 gives great hugs and is always willing to give me one and tell me he loves me. But like the young child, I want it from my husband. Perhaps it is because my mother also didn’t hug and had a hard time saying she loved me. I know they both do, but I crave that physical touch that you spoke about. And I know I can’t ask my son to take on the nurturing role of my husband. His is that of my son.

        • 400daystil40

          April 15, 2012 at 17:10

          Very true, and important that you know the difference and do not place your son in a role that is not his to take on (many individuals will try to make their children into surrogate spouses, which is not healthy). Unfortunately, sometimes the limitations of our partners are in exactly the areas that challenge us – and it makes it very hard to accept the limitations when they are in areas that mean so very much to us. This is the constant challenge of every relationship – that two individuals will always have conflicting needs/ desires and we have to figure out how to negotiate this reality.


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